For the Celebrity Death Match vs The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
'I mean, wot the fuck is it wiv this Salander bitch?' Alice scowls.
'I'm telling you, I'm sick of it. Bugger the 'Annotated Alice', we're putting out the 'Unexpurgated Alice' right now. They need to be told that I did all that stuff bigger and better than she did. AND I had to give mate's rates to fucking Charles Dickens. Geez. Give me a break.'
'What? NOW?' asks Humpty nervously glancing at the wall next to them.
She ignores him.
'Like we didn't have dildoes and girl on girl stuff in the Victorian period. That's what was really in my hand when they did those pictures.'
'Cleaned it up once they decided to make it a children's book after all. Though you notice Lewis just couldn't let go of the "down" word.' She sniggers. Page one: 'In another moment down went Alice...'
'And my tits are real.'
Humpty didn't want to tell her she was obsessing, but.
'Computer whizz? Ipad? Big fucking deal. I had the first iQuill. Let her stuff that up her pipe and smoke it. Well. Stuff it whereever that perverted author thinks will give the readers a kick.'
Humpty goes to answer the phone and comes back.
'Good news Alice -'
But she can't stop now, she's on a roll.
'As for cutting the dude who raped her with a razor. That was just a copycat. Go on. Tell me. Why does Lewis always dress covered up to his neck?'
'Why does he always avoid swimming at the seaside?'
'Because of your clever idea for modifying the iQuill, Alice.'
'Exactly. Filling it with that acid which burned 'I like little girls too much' into his chest.'
'Um, about the fight tonight -'
Alice knows she is on a winner. 'So Salander eats junk food. Like, big deal. I ate cake. DRUGGED cake.'
Finally Humpty gets a word in. 'Alice. You don't have to go to the ring tonight. Salander's new right breast has broken. She's in hospital having the silicon pumped out of her blood stream. You are the winner by default.'
'Ha,' says Alice, bitterly. 'Serves the little cow right.'
'Who's next? And don't tell me it's fucking Leo goody-good Tolstoy.'