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A little tea, a little chat

I've been a compulsive reader, writer and theatre goer all my life. My book blog is here: http://alittleteaalittlechat.wordpress.com/ Mostly food at the moment but also knitting is here: http://cathyingeneva.wordpress.com/

Currently reading

Democracy Incorporated: Managed Democracy and the Specter of Inverted Totalitarianism
Sheldon S. Wolin
The Temptation of Saint Anthony
Gustave Flaubert
Nebula Award Stories 3
Harlan Ellison, Gary Wright, Samuel R. Delany, Michael Moorcock, Fritz Leiber, Roger Zelazny, J.G. Ballard, Anne McCaffrey
Cosmology and Controversy: The Historical Development of Two Theories of the Universe
Helge Kragh
Max Frisch
The Fellowship of the Ring - J.R.R. Tolkien Later.

If I've ever been hated before I have mercifully been unaware of it. But right now I have somebody in my life who hates me and is doing things to let me know. And it is making me see this series in a new light.

I've always thought of it as the evil hordes vs the forces of light and good. The film demonstrates this so well, the relentless, infinite nature of the hordes, the idea that evil has no bounds and the most poignant issue of when to fight back. It is from these books that we understand how important it is to let the baddies almost win, to think the best of them for as long as possible before acknowledging that now, now is the moment to fight back or the end really is nigh. These books demonstrate better than anything I've ever read why the preemptive strike is morally wrong.

Take this sense of enormity and downsize it to the lowest level. One human being. I don't know if this changes the nature of what is happening or only the sense of the nature of what is happening. In my whole life before I've only thought of one person as evil. But to be filled with hatred, to make that the motivating force of your behaviour and the effect is really just the same. And last night I found myself thinking for the second time that I knew an evil person.

In fact, the first person of whom I thought this loved me, but was also abusing me. There were times I felt so bad about this, that I did think of him as evil, though I dare say that wasn't so. Equally in this case. The manifestation of hatred, its practical impact makes me feel like I'm in the presence of evil and yet, that is wrong too. It is just wrong ever, ever to use this word, I won’t yet give up that conviction.

Still, one is left knowing there is this tireless hatred towards you and this fine, fine line to negotiate. You have to wait until it is almost too late to fight back. And I spend too much time lately wondering when I have reached that point and what I will or can do when I recognise I am there.

I sort of wish I was watching it as a movie. I'm sure it would be so easy to spot the point. I could wave at myself along with the rest of the audience. 'Look behind you, right now, before it's too late'.

You have to be really strong to be in the sphere of hate and reject it. And I sort of wish I didn’t feel, for the first time in my life, like hate beats love. It doesn't, does it? That would be too awful for words.